Smaller

I’m one of those people who skips either breakfast or lunch entirely so that i can have brunch. Today, i skipped the latter

As i went home from buying lunch for my aunt, who could not skip any meal, my mom opened up a bucket-formerly filled up with cookies and knickknacks of the same brand- that had different kinds of brands. One of them was my, all time favorite(everyone’s all time fave) OREOOOOS. It had been too long ever since i ate a piece and savored its flavor. So, i got 2 packets.

Something tragic happened when i opened them up. I looked at the precious pieces and saw that… THEY ALL GOT SMALLER.

Right then and there, i realized that almost everything got smaller. Almost every knickknack that is. Chips, biscuits, cupcakes, chocolates, OREOS, etc.

I had a mix of emotions about this.

At first i thought: welp. They’re helping on my quest on fulfilling my diet i guess. But then as i thought more. Its just the very basic of the source of our problem about everything here. Economy.

I live in the Philippines. Yes, economically speaking, its getting better. But about everything else? Its not. The truth is, everyone here is hungry for money, even our leaders. Its the only reason why too many people here are jobless and living homeless. Street people don’t accept food from you, they throw it away because there’s a whole lot more from where that came from, the whole city is a buffet! They accept money. When you give what you can, like, a peso, they get mad at you and curse you. Jeepney drivers break road rules just to get passengers, and when you pay, you need to pay the exact amount, and when you do, they wont let you down unless they’re certain you did. And when you don’t know how much to pay, they lie and charge you more than the usual. Reversely, the passengers lie. Some don’t even bother to pay because they’ve already tricked the driver saying that they already did. Traffic enforcers charge less educated drivers based on what they’re wearing even though its not even included in the law. Prices get bigger as products get smaller. In this world right now, as i have observed people starve for money, and thirst for cash. Not to mention our city’s election is coming up. It’ll be a buffet of who gives more bills rather than who’ll give the best service for the country.

All of those wont change unless the leaders will. Our country is rich with natural resources. Yet all it wants is more money.

They country is on a diet so that the leaders can save their own money for their very selves. Greed is a sin. It is morally hurting the one who has it and the ones who don’t.

Welp. On the funny side, the smaller the knickknacks get, it still wont help my diet. Damn.

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bored.

Every day, we think. That’s the only thing constant in our life as humans. That’s basically the ONLY thing we do.

You talk, you think, you write, you think, you’re bored, you think, even when you pee, you think.

I always ride a jeepney to school and it was a sun shiny day today. I don’t really know why but I cherish the thoughts I think when I ride a vehicle to some place or destination. I really tend to enjoy the journey and when I know I’m near my destination, i tend to become saddened.

Let me just cut the crap. It was Monday okay. And like most of the entire 8 billion of the whole population of this world absolutely HATE MONDAYS.

But honestly though. Think about it. We’re always thinking and no matter what we will still be thinking. Like, by the time we wake up til we sleep. We think. It sort of fascinates me how a mind can actually process a thought to a dream, a prediction, a being, a word, and a possibility. It also scares me how some tend to process too much of a negative or a positive thought. Like for instance, when one is excited, or laughing because of a joke, or enjoying sex, or basically daydreaming. A gazillion of cells are focusing on that basic emotion and when one tends to stick on that, he/she is perceived to be mad. Or like for instance, when someone says no, or you got a bruise, or you don’t want to do this, or that. You’re sad and then you think of other things or reasons why you’re sad and then just hate everything til you go the limit and get depressed. One way or the other. The human mind is capable of those emotions and I, personally think, or suggest, perhaps, that every single one of us are capable to do that. All we need to do is focus, balance and ease ourselves to what is and what should be. We should also be contented on what we have. But then, that’s boring isn’t it?

This whole thing makes no sense. Yet, I hope it made you think something. Dear reader, thank you for reading.

Gone

Hey

I may not recall the names of some people because either I completely forgot, or I just don’t feel like mentioning their names.. Bare with me here because this is long and might get quite boring.

Lets start at where I can remember:

I had my last prom and had a sleep over with my friends while contemplating whether I did the right thing or not because I went there even though mum and I weren’t on speaking terms

I graduated highschool and went to the same school but college.. Get it? Anyway, so I picked the course that mum liked for me and kind of enjoyed it and made really cool friends, yet I doubted my capabilities because:
1. It was pre-med
2. I liked it but
3. Pressure

Semestral break came and I just stayed at home. Much like my summer.

Speaking of which, after graduation, I went on a sleepover with 3 friends and watched The Wolf Of Wallstreet and said every fvcking thing like that. And when the sun came up, and the sky was light blue, we headed to our beds and slept. Little did I know, 2 of them were cuddling.. Not on purpose. That house was the guy’s house btw. Now they’re dating. Because I constantly wanted to go back to that place because that guy would go to a college that was not in our hometown and his parents are constantly out, so that makes him home alone pretty often. It’s cute because it was all unexpected. It just happened. So yeah..

Sem Break:

Remember my infatuation?
Yeah, Adam.. Tbh Adam is just a codename. Adam is a girl.

Adam became mine for a bit. Like 2 months.. But not really mine because I was just trying to be something more than a friend to him but I already knew he would not even care any less about us. So he just said yes and “tried” but not being really there for me.. And the worst part is that I expected it all and how it would all end. And just bam. It did everything I expected it to and was okay with it.

But whatever. I’m not gonna hide anymore.

Anyway, she sent me a letter via her friend, to give it to me. I read it and shed no tear nor felt anything but utter disappointment and just laughed. With that, I called up the friend that lived closest to where I lived and just let her sleepover at my house because I don’t think I would know what I’d do without anyone by my side that night.
Bless her soul.

Let me explain Sem Break for a bit:
It’s a break between semesters, for most schools who follow the curriculum.

That meant that I should go out with my friends who came back home and just reunite with them and stuff. But NOPE. I stayed home. So when enrollment for the semester, after the 1st, started, instead of going home, I stayed out of home and just spent time with my friends. But this is boring information.

Second semester started and went off pre-med and tried communication arts. I’m still trying it out. But I don’t think this’ll last.

I joined a sport while in college and much to my surprise, I was chosen to represent. I mean, I’m awesome at it but I’m the youngest and shortest there. Idek why I became a part of it. The competitions were never held in our hometown so that meant I’d have to travel far. And much to my other surprise, mum was okay with it. The day came for the sport to be played and we won a medal in every one I participated in. That was THE best experience I had with a sport. It made me proud.

So the city where we had the competition was the same city Adam went to college at. We stayed at a hotel. With luck and utter coincidence, her dorm was locked. She couldn’t go in because that dorm had strict rules, and she’s a fan of breaking them once in a while. So she called me up and asked me where I was staying and if there was a room available. I told her yes there was and so she came. We saw each other. Then acted genuinely, as we always acted. Which was okay.

I accompanied her that night. The whole night. Til i had to leave.

She told me everything. How she made out with someone when we were sort of together, and how she had found another girl to fall for, that wasn’t me , and that I’d be allowed to kiss her, only when she’s drunk. It was okay. I had no regrets whatsoever even though we could’ve easily broken everything and just let our bodies take over. But we didn’t. I didn’t even make a move. Not unless I knew I could and she would let me. Why? Because I love her. And I always will never feel any less.

After that was Christmas Parties i couldn’t attend and reunions without me. I still gave gifts and my time to those who needed me, at the very least.

This was my 2014 summed up. One word to describe it? Indecisive. I basically just went with flows and doubted every second. Until that very night. I wish to do less of doubting this year. And I sure will be posting some more.

This time, I am certain

-Trix

weekend butterflies

basically, this will wound up to just one topic, mostly: Adam.

let’s start with Friday shall we?

Intro..

Okay, so here’s the thing, you know that feeling of not knowing? the feeling of denial and dilemma of what the other feels about you? by “the other”, I mean like, the one you THINK feels the same way about you, the way you feel about them..One example could be crush, connection between a stranger, skinny love, etc. That’s how I feel about Adam. I have been obsessed with that kid for A LONG time now, like, I do almost everything just to see him, where he’s at and stuff like that. We have history of keeping some emotions and things to ourselves and basically, this (once again)confession is where it all started.

I have this group of friends who’re rebels (except Gab and Larry) and like, not do school stuff if they feel like, just not doing it or they can’t handle it anymore or something like that..

Thursday was January 2, right after new year, AND FIRST DAY OF GOING BACK TO SCHOOL FROM CHRISTMAS BREAK. My mom is a meanie and forced me to suffer in that wretched, nostalgic place, so never the less, I obeyed and went.

I was surprised to see Chester there(he’s part of the rebellious ones, and so are these: …) since Mabe and Georgia were not. but anyway.. that night, I asked for a¬†sign. I literally prayed to the Lord ¬†that if I ever see Georgia either in the morning or afternoon, dressed for school, accidentally, or just plain saw her anywhere and she seeing me, Adam really does feel the same way.

 

Part 1: Friday.

I¬†woke up late. Like, 6:30AM, my cousin, Miranda, was whispering roughly, with the hope of “wake up MIZ” in her voice, and classes start at 7:30. Did I sit up and jump up and get mad at her for waking me up so late because we’re gonna be so late and so dead when we get to school? Did I eat like one spoon of rice and take a 5 minute bath? no. I said “shit, ugh, this is fucked up.” and crawled my way through the room, to the table.

You see, my school’s logic is to create a rule to “start early and end early, and then forget that shit and let the students suffer because of our stupidity.”

We went to school earlier than some, as expected, and yeah… Miranda went to her class and I as well.. I place my bag on my chair and looked at the class: out of a total of 48 students, 18 were present, not bad for a second day of school in 2014 eh? Anyway.. I sat down, and minded my own business.

“MIZZY!!!!”

I looked around, there she was: Georgia.

Words, pictures, acronyms, spams, all in all, cannot describe what I felt when I saw her. I just got up, walk fast to her and HUGGED THE FUCK OUT OF HER.

THE LORD GAVE ME HIS ANSWER AND IT WAS A BIG. FAT, BLESSED, “YES.”

amen.

I spent the rest of that hour and a half-ish vaguely doing something productive, mainly because it were just the minor oranges to the seas of red that came next.

I went out of the room because I was bored and out of place in there to go to yonder I guess, and I saw him.

The first words you usually say to a person whom you’ve not seen in a long time, but often chatted is “hi” or “hello” right? Maybe this is just me bragging because of what I feel for him but his first words to me, personally, in this year, were not anywhere near those that I have mentioned above.

Instead, he said:

We finally got to¬†see each other.” C

heesy right? yeah.. he wasn’t alone when he said that though, another friend of ours was there, her name’s Sasha. and she was like “Hi Miz!” As you all know what I feel for this person is really outstanding already, so what’d you expect I did? I did not mind anyone/thing except the fact that I MISS THIS PERSON SO MUCH AND I WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING TO RUIN WHAT THIS BOY HAD JUST SAID FOR THOSE WORDS WERE PERFECT. I simply raised my arms, walked towards that beautiful creature hugged him.

When I could FINALLY speak, I said “Finally. yes we did.”

Those simple pleasures of minutes that were spent were enough to have ¬†completed my life and I could’ve easily died already and yea.. but no, I lived, and I did just that til I finished the day. I’ll spoil you: I ruined it.

Greetings were over, so we headed to Adam’s room and his friend Tony was there too.. we went on and about just talking random shiz, like what happened during break, and ¬†stuff like that, ’til the boys decided to go home for lunch, the four of us separated and I went with my group(from now on, “my group” will be called whut:¬†we¬†have us turds)(yes, we call ouselves turds.. sometimes.. It kind of was Georgia’s idea)

At lunch, I had a dilemma on whether to stay or go with my classmates and “rebel”, which was to be absent for the entire afternoon, they also promised free food, or stay and be with my BEST friends. Do I have to say it? Fine. I stayed. And missed Gab because she was the only one who wasn’t there. Then, Chester arrived.. yep, she wasn’t there in the morning. I vaguely remember all the cray stuff we did because cray is normal and always happening within whut and npc(created by Red, Dee, and Larry and I was absentmindedly added and so with other friends which I shall add to and name later on)

From eighteen, 10 had evaporated into scattered chairs, chalk dust and unswept floors. That meant more yondering for muah. And people, YONDER I DID…… in the library, and classroom of Ches, George and Mabe, and her boyfie(Joe), not to mention that I asked permission from the teachers.. yes, I am a good student, with good grades and I tend to keep it that way. I made Georgia borrow a book for me bc I already did… haha

skip skip skip to the end of the day:

I ended up in Adam’s room. He was cleaning with Pete. I felt sorry for them, basically we(Ches, George and I) were waiting for Larry, and so yeah, I was all in my weird zone and basically called Adam and Pete my people/slaves and such and hurt their feelings. And Adam was like “wow na :(” (sad face IS included), so i plucked up the courage and chance, and said: “dude! that was a joke, I love you okay?” and being the awesome friend he is, Chester looked all cheesy and shit. ugh. I caught a glance of Adam’s smirk too.. *dying*.

So, yadayadayada, chit chat and all… it ended with Larry giving me the chance to stay but I said that I should go.

Smooth move.

I still managed to go with him though bc GOD is awesome.

So yeah, we walked and talked and felt the connection. then his ride arrived and I told him “see ya on Monday and ran out the gate. BEFORE HIM.

 

 

Part 2: Saturday.

I spent the day in the hospital, NOT BECAUSE OF ME DYING BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED OKAY, CALM DOWN.

I felt tired, because of the hospital.. ugh. I don’t really wanna say anything about it cuz there’s not much anything to say about what happened there.. moving on…… The day had ended, and I went online. Adam was online too. We chatted ¬†and chatted and I suggested skype. and skype we did.. we talked about nothing.. okay, I spammed on Mabe’s chatbox, so I’ll just copy-paste it bc procrastinating again.. I still feel the happiness tho, just tired… It’s like 2AM here.. so,here’s my spam:

Mabe: what happened? :O

me: SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYPE

AND THEN
THE INTERNET WENT OFF
CUZ HIS MOM SAID TO SLEEP
HE TURNED IT BACK ON
SO WE COULD TALK
WE TALKED ABOUT NOTHING
AND MOSTLY SMILING
AND SHIT
AND OMG
Mabe:¬†Aawww :”””>
me: AND YES
AND WE BROKE IT OFF
CUZ HIS MOM TOLD HIM TO STAHP
SHE LITERALLY WENT IN THE ROOM

JUST TO LET HIM STOP TALKING
AND THEN YEA
AND AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Mabe: Mizzzzyyyyyy :””3
me: HIS MOM WAS LIKE
ADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMM UGH.
STOP TALKING GO TO SLEEP!
A
D
ASD
AS
DA
SF
AF
DS
G
Mabe: OY! stop spamming xD have mercy..
so yea.. that was what happened and yeah.. I need some sleep.. hope you enjoyed my long thingy.. haha..

third day realization

Hi

so… I’m really new at this stuff and I’m a really goo procrastinator.. so.. I might not post anything like¬†everyday.

anyway, so.. this blog is mostly about me moving on through my last days of high school and going through college, my friends, family and Adam.

I met him 2 years ago. Liked him ever since he said that I didn’t know anything about him. He’s my wonderwall, skinny love and infatuation. That’s all gonna end soon. I hope it’ll end for the best.

so again about this blog, erhhmm… yeah, so, it’s gonna be like my diary and memory blog for me and I actually want to write something, like a novel.. but, I doubt that tho.. I might write poems tho.. and I will try my very best to write daily. This isn’t my laptop but I hope and wish and pray that I will have one as a graduation gift(fingers crossed).

About the title:

today, I realized that because I REALLY HATE MY PENMANSHIP and IT SUCKS, I should just come up with a blog instead of handwriting it. Also, i am keen on memories for i get nostalgic quite often and hate myself if i tend to forget important happenings.

If you want to follow through my life, I will try my best to tell all of you as precise and understandable as possible, if I fail, remember that my first intention was to create this mainly for me, so.. hater’s goin’ hate, i decide my fate.